Prayers From Fear
by ficusmarie
Summary: “Maybe lonely is better. Because if you are alone, there is not any more pain. If you are alone, you will never have to become alone again." Marauders Era Sirius/OC James/Lily
1. Prayers To Start

**Prayers From Fear**

**By:HoMeSlIcE4LiFe**

_**Summary: "Maybe lonely is better. Because if you are alone, there is not any more pain. If you are alone, you will never have to become alone again."**_

_A/N Okay, so here's a new story of mine, inspired by many different things. Songs, quotes, dreams, and life experiences have formed this story, and I really hope that those of you who are reading this will be able to really feel the emotions I'm trying ever so hard to put out. Each chapter has a quote that gave inspiration for the chapter. I'll probably do a playlist, too, when I'm finished with this story. Anyway, I hope you enjoy and truly feel this story. I appreciate all feedback, and would love to get some honest opinions on this story. Now, I think I've talked enough. Here, is the story:_

_Disclaimer for whole story: I do not own the world of Harry Potter, nor the characters J.K. has created, those of which will be obvious._

_Rating: T for excessive swearing_

"_There are two ways to slide easily through life; to believe everything or to doubt everything. Both ways save us from thinking."_

_-Alfred Korzybski_

Chapter One: Prayers To Start

A young girl sits in her dorm room. She is staring out the window into the beautiful countryside of France. Usually, as she watches the birds fly, and the younger students play; she has a wide smile on her face, due to the joy this sight brings her. However, despite the birds and the children, she is frowning deeply today. She has been given a lot to frown over these past few days.

She could be frowning from the death of her mother, father, and little brother. She might be frowning because her boyfriend of two years just dumped her. It is even possible that she is frowning at the fact that her friends hate her. But, no. She is frowning because she is going to England, to an orphanage, where she thinks she will be alone. At least here, there is a familiarity for her.

It is not that she does not like England, because she does. She lived there until she was about ten years old. She even visited every summer, herself, and her little brother, Nathan, staying at their grandmother's. She was dead, too.

It was bad enough that it was already April, and school was almost out. It also sucked that she was starting on a Friday, right before her first lonely weekend at Hogwarts. She would not have homework or studying she could do yet.

But it does not matter anymore. Nothing seems to matter. The girl gets off her bed, and reaches for her trunk. As she is leaving the room, she decides that maybe lonely is better. Because if you are alone, there is not any more pain. If you are alone, you will never have to become alone again. At age sixteen, Amarylis closes the door of her dorm, hoping that with the shut of this door, she will forever shut out the pain.

Amarylis is sitting on the edge of the piano bench. She has known how to play as far back as she can remember. Before, she played to please her parents and to hear pretty music. Now, she plays to get lost. Amarylis plays, and through the music, she forgets everything that was and is. Nothing can touch her when her hands are flowing across the keys. No speaks to her while she plays. No one dares to interrupt her. Nobody wants to be blamed for stopping something so beautiful, so personal.

As she finishes the Claire de Lune, she sighs. She remembers dancing to this song at her last birthday with her father. She decides to stop playing.

When she gets up, a group of very young children runs to the piano to play. Amarylis does not smile at this. Amarylis does not really smile anymore.

It's Saturday. A man named Dumbledore was supposed to pick her up Friday morning, but sent a letter early saying he had to cancel. Instead, he is to pick her up today, in exactly seven minutes. She jogs up the steps to her room shared with six other girls, and grabs the trunk sitting on her bed. Eventually, she ends up at the matron's office, patiently waiting on Dumbledore. At exactly ten o'clock, as said, he pops into the room.

Amarylis takes in this new face, from his twinkling blue eyes, to his long silver beard. His face has a smile on it, as he too looks on Amarylis. "It was a terrible thing," he says, "what happened to your parents."

She looks at him much harder, now. She has heard this same message too much. Amarylis gives her standard reply of, "Yeah, it was."

The bespectacled old man shifts towards the matron, "Miss…?"

"Miss Konkel," replies the woman crisply.

"Yes, Miss Konkel, if it is not too much trouble, I do have to be getting back to the school," replies the old man.

"Of course, Mr. Dumbledore. Go right on ahead. Amarylis," she says, "we'll see you this summer."

As Amarylis nods, Dumbledore reaches his hand out to her. "Miss Greene, would you please take my hand?" Amarylis silently beseeches him, and grabs her trunk with her other hand. Suddenly, the world spins, and when it stops, Amarylis finds herself in a tattered and old room resembling a bedroom. "We, 

Miss Greene, are in the Shrieking Shack. It is impossible to apparate any closer to Hogwarts, so we will walk from here."

Amarylis does not say anything because she does not care. Dumbledore begins to walk away and she follows. He eventually leads them out of the shack and into the open air of Hogwarts. The sight does not amaze her. There had been a castle similar to this in France. For her, the novelty seems to have run out. Dumbledore begins to talk, but she is not listening. She is scanning the grounds, searching for an escape, somewhere she will be able to hide.

Dumbledore leads her to the entrance of the castle, the doors opening before he even reaches the steps. Inside the pair goes, as Dumbledore continues his leading. After several moments, the pair finally arrives at Dumbledore's office.

Inside, the phoenix catches her eye. She knows of the phoenix's healing powers. Silently, she wonders if a phoenix can heal a heart.

Dumbledore sits in his chair and looks upon the girl for a moment. He has seen many of students like this after tragedies: silent, mindless, indifferent; but his gut tells him that this one is deeper than most. He immediately thinks of another student, one who feels the same: lost and confused. The only difference was that he was mourning of his family, instead of for them. "Miss Greene," he says, "the first step at Hogwarts is that each student is separated into houses. These houses are…"

"I know the drill," is all she says.

"Very well, then," says Professor Dumbledore, "Let us sort you, so you can be on your way." He flicks his wand and the Sorting Hat flies straight to the top of Amarylis' head. Dumbledore stares at the girl, her eyes shut tight. He has always loved the look on his students' faces as they consult with the Sorting Hat. It shows that whoever is beneath the Sorting Hat has a little fight in them. In her case, any sign of life is good.

"Gryffindor!" the Sorting Hat yells as the girl's eyes burst wide open.

"Ah, says Dumbledore, "Where dwell the brave of heart." Amarylis just stares at him. "Well, come now," he says, "let me show you to your new home."

Once again, they are on their feet walking down the many halls of Hogwarts. They pass many moving portraits, but stop in front of a very fat lady. "Hello, my dear," says Dumbledore.

"Why, hello Headmaster," croons the fat lady in a bright pink dress. "How can I be of service?"

"We would like to enter the tower," says Dumbledore.

"Oh," says the fat lady as she sits up straighter and says in a deep voice, "Password?"

"Mammangoo," he says, as the portrait swings open to reveal the Gryffindor Common Room. Amarylis looks around and sees people smiling and laughing. Immediately, she really does not like it here.

"This, Miss Greene, is the Gryffindor Common Room. The stairwell to the girls' dormitories is in that far corner on the right," says Dumbledore. He points his wand at her trunk, and it disappears. "That will be waiting for you in your room later. Now, let me introduce you to your year's prefects. Hmm… Miss Evans seems to have vanished, so follow me and I will introduce you to Mr. Lupin." The old man walks to a couch where four boys are sitting.

In the left corner is a small, chubby boy, with brown hair and a pointed nose. He is watching the other two talking animatedly over something. The more excited of the two has glasses that are slowly slipping off the bridge of his nose, as he talks with his hands flying. The one listening to him has an open book in his lap and sandy hair that plops down on top of his head. On the arm of the right side of the couch is the final boy with shaggy dark hair and grey eyes that are staring mindlessly at the sandy-haired boy's book. The four appear to be friends.

As Dumbledore approaches, the boy with glasses quiets down a bit and the other three look up at him.

"Yes, Headmaster?" asks the sandy-haired boy.

"Ah, Mr. Lupin. We have a new student from Beauxbatons. Would you mind showing her the ropes?"

"Of course, sir," he says, nodding affirmatively.

"Thank you, Mr. Lupin. Good day boys, Miss Greene," he says with a small bow as he leaves the Common Room, leaving Amarylis staring at the boys like an idiot.

The sandy-haired boy breaks the ice by speaking first, "Hi, there," he says, now standing, "I'm Remus Lupin, sixth year Gryffindor Prefect. It's a pleasure to meet you." His hand now outstretched to her, asks her hand to grasp it.

Amarylis looks at the hand, then back up at Remus. Ignoring his hand, she merely says, "Amarylis, or Amy for short. It doesn't matter to me."

Remus' hand slowly retreats. "Well," he says cheerfully, "Amy, these are my mates. James Potter is the one with the glasses. This here's Peter Pettigrew. And that one on the end is Sirius Black."

Amarylis just nods. Suddenly, she sees Sirius' eyes snap up at the mention of his name. He looks at Amarylis and smiles ridiculously wide, too wide for that sad look in his eyes.

"Hey," says James, "Welcome to Hogwarts, Amy. What year are you in?"

"Sixth."

"Cool. Us too," says Peter.

"Why don't you sit with us, Amy?" asks Remus, motioning to the couch.

Amarylis looks at them all, but mostly Sirius Black, who's eyes refuses to leave her face. Slightly uncomfortable, she merely says, "I'm okay. I'm just going to go upstairs."

"You should wait until Lily Evans, the other prefect comes back so she can show you exactly where your dorm is," says James. "Meanwhile, you can talk with us."

Amarylis does not want to. She does not want any friendly interactions with anyone here. She just wants to pass by here, unnoticed, and then leave.

Sirius' eyes continue to stare at her as he finally speaks in a deep, rough voice, "Yeah."

"I'd rather just go upstairs now," she says, starting to turn away.

Sirius does not know what comes over him. Maybe it is the pressure he has been feeling lately, or maybe it is just his lack of sleep. He does not care. "What's your problem?" he snaps, standing up.

Amarylis turns slowly back around, a little hint of life in her eyes that has been on a long vacation. "Excuse me?" she asks, extremely pissed off.

"You heard me," he continues, "why won't you just sit and talk with us?"

A wall comes up, now, in Amarylis' mind, as she snaps, "What makes you think you're worth my time?"

Sirius glares openly. Walking back to his spot, deciding to forget about her, he mutters one word. "Bitch."

Amarylis hears him, and before turning up the stairs away from the noise, the fun, and the living, she replies with a loud, "Fuck you." Quite a few heads turn, trying to see who has enough nerve to say that to a Marauder.

Going up the stairs, she congratulates herself. Her first run-in with people here, and she already has gotten rid of four possibilities of pain for sure.

_Good job, Amarylis._

_Good job._

END OF CHAPTER ONE

_A/N 2 So, I would love to hear your feedback on this story. Special brownies to those of you who review for me :-) Until next time, Happy Reading!_

_Toodles,_

_Alex_


	2. Prayers Of Discussion

**Prayers From Fear**

**By:HoMeSlIcE4LiFe**

_**Summary: "Maybe lonely is better. Because if you are alone, there is not any more pain. If you are alone, you will never have to become alone again."**_

_A/N Hey Everyone! Thanks to sovereignty'd, James n Lily r in LOVE, and loverofbooks20, for the reviews! You three rock! Anyway, here's the next chapter. Drop a review with some feedback you wonderful people, you. :-)_

_Rating: T for excessive swearing_

"_Do not protect yourself by a fence, but rather by your friends."_

_-Czech Proverb_

Chapter Two: Prayers of Discussion

Her eyes are still closed. She doesn't want them to open, because then she'll know for sure that it was a dream, and her family is still dead. She wants to hold onto that memory of them in the garden. Instead of lying in the ground, her mother is planting flowers, her brother and father are throwing the baseball; and, instead of being here, she is lying on the grass, reading a book. That is where she wants to be, where she believes herself to be. But Amarylis has recently learned that dreams do nothing in the real world, except give you false hope; and she is tired of that, too.

Saying good-bye to her dream, she opens her eyes. Sitting up, she looks around the room. All the beds are empty. She looks at the clock. It's noon. That is probably why.

Begrudgingly, she gets out of the warm bed and dresses herself in tight blue jeans, a large, black Beatles tee shirt, complete with plain black flip flops. She throws her light brown hair into a pony tail, and slips her square-framed, dark brown glasses on.

After spending less than a minute on her appearance, she hears her stomach growl. Jogging down the stairs, she wonders how she'll find the food. At the bottom, she is met face to face with Sirius Black.

"Afternoon," he says, all chipper.

"What do you want now?" she snaps.

"I was going to show you where the Great Hall is," he says innocently.

"Oh, REALLY? YOU wanted to walk the 'bitch' down to lunch, did you?"

"Look, I was just angry last night. I'm sure you don't actually want to fuck me, do you?" he asks calmly.

"Of course not…"

"Then let me walk you to lunch," he says, reaching out his hand.

The old Amarylis would have taken it. The old Amarylis would have went to lunch, laughing and flirting to her heart's content. But it does not matter because that girl is gone. Instead, Amarylis sees this gesture as a gunshot to her heart.

"Fuck off," she says, brushing past him, leaving him there in the dust. To her pleasant surprise, he does not follow her. She is left in peace, to wander Hogwarts in search of food.

At one point, she finds it, and discovers it to be practically empty. She heads to the least occupied table of only one, and sits far away from the red haired girl. She hungrily grabs any food within her reach, and stuffs it into her face. From the corner of her eye, she can see the other girl staring at her with wide eyes.

Amarylis ignores this and continues on with her eating. When she looks up frome her food five minutes later, she finds the red-head to be sitting directly across from her, smiling. "What?" snaps Amarylis, her mouth still full of food.

"Hi," she says, "I'm Lily Evans. You're new here, right?"

Amarylis looks up at Lily for a moment, then goes back to her food, saying extremely sarcastically, "How'd you guess?"

"Well," says Lily, trying very hard to stay chipper, "I just wanted to officially welcome you to Hogwarts."

Amarylis looks into Lily's eyes and sees herself, her old self, in her. She rememebers the days when she had a confident air, a broad smile. Instantly, she does not want to be near this girl. She attempts to brush her off with a short, simple, and sarcastic, "Thanks."

Lily, however, is relentless. "What's your name?" she asks.

Amarylis continues to eat, as she stares at her plate of food. When she looks up, she sees Lily continuing to look at her earnestly. Taking pity on the red-head, she says, "Amarylis, or Amy, whatever works."

Lily's smile grew more wide. "Oh, Amarylis, that's a beautiful name. Well, Amarylis, I was just about to go a meet some friends near the Quidditch Pitch. You wanna come?"

"Nope."

"Why not?" asks Lily, slightly hurt.

"It's too cold," Amarylis lies.

"Then, grab a jacket," she suggests.

"Don't have one," Amarylis lies, again.

"Borrow mine," Lily offers.

"Can't do that," she declines.

"Why?" Lily asks.

"Won't fit," she replys.

"We'll enlarge it," Lily says.

"With what?" Amarylis asks.

"Magic."

"I don't like your coat," Amarylis says, improvising now.

"Why?" she enquires.

"It's fuzzy."

"And warm," adds Lily.

"Still…"

"Fine, I'll get you YOUR jacket," offers Lily.

"They're dirty," replies Amarylis.

"I'll clean them," she says.

"With what?"

"Magic."

"No," says Amarylis.

"Why?" asks Lily.

"I don't like magic." Now, Amarylis was extremely bull-shitting it.

"And you're a witch?" questions Lily.

"Yep."

"You're a liar."

"Maybe," says Amarylis, going back to eating.

"Come with me," orders Lily.

"No."

"Yes."

"No way."

"Yes way."

"Stop it."

"You stop it."

Amarylis looks at Lily's eyes once more, and they are burning with excitement and fun. Amarylis felt a small smile in her brain, but pushed it away. She can not smile. She does not deserve to smile, have fun, or go anywhere with Lily Evans.

"I'll go."

"Really?" asks Lily.

"If you'll let me be afterwards."

"Okay," agrees Lily, "But trust me, you won't want me to be after today."

She refuses to smile. She will not let Lily see her smile, because if Lily sees that, there will be no getting rid of her. She stands up, and Lily's already on her side of the table. She tightly laces her arm with Amarylis' and leads her out of the Great Hall. Amarylis attempts to pull away, but Lily's grip is fierce, so she finds herself going down the halls of her unwanted new home with a bouncy girl on her arm.

Lily leads her to the outside, all the way to the Quidditch Pitch. She finds herself staring at an empty field, as Lily brings her up to the bleachers. "Why are we here?" asks Amarylis softly.

"The Gryffindor Quidditch team is about to start practicing. Don't worry, though, my friends just aren't here yet. They should be here any minute," says Lily smiling.

Why did she agree to come out here? She doesn't WANT any friends. She doesn't WANT people to care about her. She doesn't WANT to care about people. What she wants is to be left alone. So, why is she doing this?

Maybe, it's because she's so used to being around people, that it's hard for her to break the habit. 'Yeah,' she decides, 'That's it. Break the habit. Right after…'

Something gold whizzes by her face, catching her attention. She looks up and realizes that the field is now full of people. She looks to Lily and sees three new people sitting with her. Amarylis recognizes to of them.

"Hey, Amy," says the boy named Peter.

"Hey," she says back.

Remus looks at her pointedly, "You feeling less pissy today?" He smiles.

"A bit," she replies in a joking manner.

Another girl with short black hair and bright blue eyes is smiling at her, too. "Hey Amy," she says, "I'm Alice."

"Hey," replies Amarylis.

"So," says Lily, "I'll give you tips on who to watch. The over to the left, that's James Potter, captain, and star chaser."

"Met him last night."

"Really? That's cool. He used to be a complete prat. But, now he's only half of one," Lily says with a wink. Alice laughs.

"And the one over by the goals is Frank Longbottom," says Alice, "He's keeper and my boyfriend."

"Mm-hmm…"

"Oh, and the Gryffindor favorite is over there. Mr. Sirius Black, our amazing seeker. He's never lost a game," says Lily proudly.

"Ah," says Remus, "dear Lily, it seems that Mr. Sirius and Miss Amy are not fans of eachother."

"What?" cries Alice.

"He's an ass hole," says Amarylis plainly.

"Seriously? Girl, I don't know what you did, but Sirius Black is one of the nicest guys I've met," says Lily. "I mean, he keeps to himself a lot, besides these guys, but he's usually super nice."

Remus laughs, "Yes, but now we've found someone, of whom he doesn't with to be nice to. They had a yelling match in the Common Room last night."

"And he hasn't apologized?" asks Lily to Amarylis.

"Well, he kind of did…" mutters Amarylis.

"You see, then, it was just a slip. Everyone has those," says Lily.

Amarylis stares out at Sirius Black, who's laughing with James.

"Maybe," chirps Alice, "You should apologize too."

"But I didn't--"

Lily puts a hand on Amarylis' leg. "Honey, trust me. Sirius Black is one person you'll want on your side."

Amarylis sighs, "Whatever," and stares out at the field. She finds her eyes following Sirius Black. He's playing Quidditch, and he's very good. It looks like he's hardly trying. He looks the exact opposite of what he did last night. He's happy, fun, and joyous. But, when he flies really close, and she squints really hard, she can see the look of sadness in his eyes, one she wears too, from the night before. She can see it in the shadows of the grey. He's a lot better at hiding it then she is.

She spaces, losing track of the team and the people she's with. After a while, she feels a tap on her shoulder. She spins around and sees Lily.

"Hey, Amarylis. Practice is over. We were going to head on over to Hogsmeade. You wanna come?"

Amarylis' eyes scan for Black, but can not find him. She looks at Lily, who's looking at her earnestly, and nods slowly. "Sure."

Lily is beaming, knowing that she's one this battle. She takes Amarylis by the arm again, and leads her back to Hogwarts. Some people are sitting on the front steps, planning on going to Hogsmeade as well. As the two get closer, Amarylis sees who's there.

Remus. Peter. James. Alice.

And Sirius Black.

Waiting.

_A/N Sorry there wasn't a whole bunch of Sirius action here. Mostly Lily and a very unhappy Amarylis. Tehehe, it seems that Miss Lily, herself, doesn't quite understand the whole "going away" thing. Well, if you've read this far, I'm sure you can stand to review, please. Cookies if you do._

_Love!_

_Alex_


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